Day 64: The Prednisone dose has been lowered from 40 mg to 20 mg since my last pred post. I do see some improvement– the manic sensation I was having has stopped. But without the manic high I would ride every few days, I am left in a dense fog of depression. At least I could feel when I was manic.
How does a 24 year old female who is jobless, recently “single”, living at home, on a mind numbing steroid, with low self-esteem because of recent weight gain (that she cannot get rid of because of the *&#*ing steroid!), recovering from her 2nd open-heart surgery, not sleeping well at night because of sternum pains, pull herself out of a crippling depression? I am at a loss.
I do have enough of the old Heidi left in me to know I am lucky to have and be living my life– My family has been a huge support the last 3 years. I survived a stroke and 2 open-heart surgeries, and everything that came with the 1st surgery. I have friends who love me. My heart, now, works. I am grateful. There is just very little joy to go with that feeling of gratefulness.
I have not been able to continue my last post. It was difficult to write the little bit I did– unearthing so much pain. To combat this depression I am making a promise to myself to post, at least, once a week. I want to continue my story. At least I will be feeling.