I am laying in bed on the eve of my year long sobriety, high on vicodin. “You may have a glass of champagne, not weekly, if you have something to celebrate.” Is what the rheumatologist said. Other than that, I am alcohol free while taking the methotrexate.
It should not be that big of a deal, going sober. I drink. I have probably drank more, more recently than I have in the past, because who isn’t already a slight alcoholic while in their early 20s but especially so when going through difficulties.
No, it’s not the quitting drinking that has me bothered, it’s the taking of the last bit of what I have to hide myself from others so I can just hang out that is upsetting. That makes it sound as if I can only be around my peers if we are drinking–that’s not it. It is the last thing that I had to distinguish me from being sick or not sick. Me being able to drink with my friends hides my reality from them. If I am hanging out and drinking, then nothing must be wrong! If I am hanging out and not drinking and have to explain why then the reality of my situation is discovered and I am no longer just Heidi–I am broken Heidi.
My friends aren’t stupid. They all know, or should know, what I am going through. But this “no drinking” is going to unveil a reality I have been trying to hide.
This is my emotional and physical battle. My friends are wonderful and supportive. It’s me. I am trying to hide from myself.


Methotrexate Take 2!

If only I had positive news…

I will begin Methotrexate on Sunday. The most common side effects, she said, are: hair loss, gastric issues, and mouth ulcers. I was given the option of pills or self injections. The self injections are more tolerable than the pills, so I chose injections. I will be on it for a year…She thinks. The good news is I get to start lowering my prednisone dose next month!

I do now know what to expect from this. I am scared. I am tired. I want to be done.

I go to MD in a week. I get to see Joon and Jeannie for two weeks! This will be a good distraction.



“I started the 2400mg Ibuprofen, 25mg Prednisone, and 1.8mg Colchicine 2 weeks ago. I am a bit of a mess. The pain has gone away, but the emotional imbalance I experienced when I was on the higher dose of prednisone has come back. I don’t know if it is the added medications or the inability to cope with what I’m still going through that has me this way. Whatever it is, I hate not having control.”

I wrote that a while ago but never posted it. Emotionally, I am feeling better this week. I still hate the meds.

I have appointments with the cardiologists and rheumatologist next week. I have neck, shoulder, and chest pain–the same pain I experienced with the pericarditis–that began this week and it has me concerned. They will do blood work, some listening, and probably adjust my meds. I hope the pain is not real and I am just being paranoid!

Worst case scenario…my body is no longer responding to the ibuprofen and colchicine and we have to begin methotrexate. It will be okay! I am going to be okay!