Today is methotrexate hangover day. I have spent most of the day in bed trying to keep my calm. I am nauseas, dazed, emotional, and depressed.
My head feels so fragile. I feel my heart thumping. I can hear anxiety in my heart beats and my breath, in and out. My bed feels safe. I can keep my head if I just stay in bed.
Sleep. I will sleep. Sleep will make it okay.
I found the most accurate description for my depression–it feels as though I am being assaulted with the death of a friends’ puppy every day. It is torturous but I can sepperate myself enough from it to survive.
I met friends at a bar tonight. I cannot drink while on my meds. Usually, it is not a problem. Tonight, surrounded by people, I felt so alone. I wanted so badly to be them. It is not the drinking that I desired–it is their freedom I want.
A different lust for freedom came over me yesterday–I saw a woman riding a bike. I imagined myself on my own bike, wind rushing past me, the pavement blurring beneath me. That image caught in my throat. Such a simple thing is beyond me right now.
My mom has a want for freedom as well–she told me the day she glances out the window and sees me running and leaping across our field is the day she can breath easy again. I am not prone to randomly running across fields but I get it. We both need that day to be soon.
Ever since I got back from MD, my med-y induced mania has been back. My sleep has been interrupted too frequently by my unsettled mind and racing heart. My body does not seem to know there is NOT something VERY important that I need to be doing at 4am.
This morning I woke up gasping and big eyed at 6:30am. It is better than 4am, but not an ideal way to feel upon waking up…EVERY MORNING for the past week. It might be time to ask the doctors about tranquilizers…maybe.
My family (dad, mom, Corey) and I began the Whole30 thing a week ago. Actually, this is day 8…WOO! The last two days SUCKED! I was nauseas every time I ate. Today I am still nauseas, but I have a better attitude about it. “It’s good for you, bitch!”, says me to myself in my head. There have been a lot of big sighs.
The upside is my bloating seems to have gone down. It has been difficult for me not to gain weight the last 7 months, so it is really exciting to find something that works to help me lose weight or water (haha)!
My life is terrariums and glitter spray paint this week.
I have been on methotrexate for one month. I still have my hair so I think it is going well.
I could tell you I have spent the last several Mondays nauseas and crabby because of my new drug, but I am tired of being “sick”.
I wish I could be that strong, inspiring, woman who is hiking mountains and raising money for all the babies when the odds are against her, but I don’t even have the emotional strength to write a good blog post.
What I did do this week: I went to goodwill, bought a plastic unicorn, cut a hole in it, spray painted it glittery gold, and I am going to plant a succulent on its butt.
Terrariums and my sparlky unicorn have made me tremendously happy this week!