i fell in love with the bell boy…

It was his big, beautiful, smile. It made me smile. I smiled a smile I hadn’t smiled in the last 5 years of smiles. I hadn’t smiled a smile like that smile since I decided that I thrive on a hug a day–shortly after that, the smile disappeared…but

…I smiled that lost smile and I haven’t stopped smiling since. 

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Write. Just write.

“You have memories…” I had written a note on Facebook “6 YEARS AGO TODAY” titled The Stroke Story (Part III). 

I rabbit-holed through my old blog posts–remembering pain, laughing at my attempts at humor, feeling everything I had forgotten.

I called my mom and asked if she remembered when I was manically excited about succulents, bought a bunch of succulents, and killed the succulents. She remembered.

It feels good to remember the pain and craziness during that time and not be living it anymore.  I read the blog posts and I cried.

I am hoping to start writing again–about the past and the present. I have more to share.

 

Found in drafts “11.25.2014”

I went through my Instagram photos tonight. It was emotional. I am 3 1/2 months recovering. I started Instagram 4 months after my first open-heart surgery, in 2012. The pictures that stand out the most to me are the ones from July 27, 2013 then exactly one month later on August 27, 2013.

Hannah got married on July 27th. I was one of her bridesmaids. I loved every second of that wedding. There was dancing, drinking, eating, celebrating, and so much love. I look happy in the pictures because I was.

August 27, 2013 I knew there was something wrong with my heart.

Found in drafts “11.19.2014”

Waiting on something is hard. Waiting on the unknown is harder.

I am feeling post-op sadness. It took 9 months, after discovering my vein blockage, to have my (2nd) open heart surgery. Waiting to have open heart surgery is hard. I constantly battled my emotions. I despaired every day over my loss of life. I regret it–being in such a state of despair–but I don’t know how I could have prevented it. I wish I had not let the mourning of loss make me lose more but I did.

I mourned for 9 months, I had surgery, and then I was/am recovering. I am 3 months post-op. I am scared about the future, the unknown, getting back to normalcy. I know it will feel so good to regain my financial and emotional independence, but I am so afraid of starting life again.

January I will begin again. It feels weird waiting.