I have a fever(!), I did not allow my body the rest it needed because I was too manic to sit still, It’s Sunday-not so fun-day, and I discovered a rash on my arms and feet.
I should have gone to bed after finding the rash but I diagnosed myself with lupus instead! I’ll just go to bed next time.
Last night I almost convinced myself there was someone in the corner of my unlit room. I imagined that the person was crouched down waiting for me to relax and once I did they would crawl onto my bed and get very close to my face. Having someone’s face very close to my face seemed scarier than any typical kind of horror acted out. The idea of someone in the corner didn’t last long but that doesn’t change the fact that it happened–I indulged that feeling.
While driving home tonight I passed a “corner” sign. It’s the same sign I pass whenever I drive to or from town. Tonight it terrified me. I hunched down as I drove past it as if it could reach out and grab me. The sign was going to get me.
It’s embarrassing sharing these two instances. What’s more embarrassing is these aren’t the only moments of disassociation I have had. I have enough control that it doesn’t last long, but it’s scary discovering myself lost in these different “realities”.
I hate having “episodes”. It’s lonely. It’s scary. I’m trying so hard to stay positive but it’s so damn hard when you have intense highs, crippling lows, and imaginary monsters that get very close to your face making a ruckus in your daily life. It is the prednisone doing this.
I am lowering my dose of prednisone 1mg a week. It’s a slow taper but it’s still bringing these side effects. 14 weeks left with this hell of a drug. I’m told the worst is yet to come–the last 5mg is suppose to be torturous. July is going to be fun.
Today is methotrexate hangover day. I have spent most of the day in bed trying to keep my calm. I am nauseas, dazed, emotional, and depressed.
My head feels so fragile. I feel my heart thumping. I can hear anxiety in my heart beats and my breath, in and out. My bed feels safe. I can keep my head if I just stay in bed.
Sleep. I will sleep. Sleep will make it okay.
I found the most accurate description for my depression–it feels as though I am being assaulted with the death of a friends’ puppy every day. It is torturous but I can sepperate myself enough from it to survive.
I met friends at a bar tonight. I cannot drink while on my meds. Usually, it is not a problem. Tonight, surrounded by people, I felt so alone. I wanted so badly to be them. It is not the drinking that I desired–it is their freedom I want.
A different lust for freedom came over me yesterday–I saw a woman riding a bike. I imagined myself on my own bike, wind rushing past me, the pavement blurring beneath me. That image caught in my throat. Such a simple thing is beyond me right now.
My mom has a want for freedom as well–she told me the day she glances out the window and sees me running and leaping across our field is the day she can breath easy again. I am not prone to randomly running across fields but I get it. We both need that day to be soon.
If only I had positive news…
I will begin Methotrexate on Sunday. The most common side effects, she said, are: hair loss, gastric issues, and mouth ulcers. I was given the option of pills or self injections. The self injections are more tolerable than the pills, so I chose injections. I will be on it for a year…She thinks. The good news is I get to start lowering my prednisone dose next month!
I do now know what to expect from this. I am scared. I am tired. I want to be done.
I go to MD in a week. I get to see Joon and Jeannie for two weeks! This will be a good distraction.